Many of us gays have been there: We’re absolutely convinced a beautiful stranger is into us, only to find out later that they’re playing for the other team.
On more than one occasion, I’ve gotten into deep, two-hour-long chats with men like this at a bar, at the office or on an airplane.
It’s a confusing roller coaster of an experience.
The encounters often start like this: When we first meet, his rugged looks and complete lack of a gay voice lead me to think there’s no way he’s queer. But an hour later, he’s talked about his love for Mel B of the Spice Girls, and I begin to think, “Well, there’s a 50-50 chance.”
Two hours into the chat, he’s said a series of things that seem so incredibly gay, not only am I convinced he is, but I’m wondering if he’s ever even seen a vagina in person.
Then, out of nowhere, he drops the girlfriend card. And somewhere in the world, a child’s birthday balloon just deflated. And that balloon was probably of a giant penis.
Some of this is my own wishful thinking — that this Adonis will be mine. But still, sir, if you know I’m gay, why must you whip out all these references to Justin Trudeau, Annette Bening and the movie “Best in Show”?
Sure, you can love all those things, but don’t unleash them all at once like this is a gay pride parade. We gay men have feelings, too!
In that spirit, here is a list of what you straight men should stop saying to me:
1. “I went with a bunch of friends to Fire Island last summer.”
This is clearly the gayest activity on the list. Do they even let non-gays rent houses there? I’m a hairy man with some tight, curly locks and a halfway decent body, and nobody invites me.
This man is either queer, or he’s been tapped as the token, good-looking straight guy that everyone in the group likes to touch, flirt with and pretend is his boyfriend.
2. “I went with my best friend Chad!”
Really? Was this a porn?
3. “I go by Michael. Do not call me Mike.”
I can’t explain this one, folks, but for some reason, gay men like to go by their full names. Maybe because we like being “proper”?
I really don’t know, but try calling a queer man Rob, Mike or Bill, and he’ll snap right back and say it’s actually Robert, Michael or William.
4. “I used to canvass for HRC.”
I’m not saying you can’t be straight and volunteer for the Human Rights Campaign, but if you really want to be a true ally, stop seeming so gay if you’re never going to touch my penis.
5. “I have a wife. Well… she’s a fake wife.”
Holy crap, he’s in a green card marriage! We are definitely sleeping together.
The term “fake wife” and “straight” usually don’t go together. Most of the American men I’ve met who marry a foreigner so she can get her green card are gay. That might be how they developed such a healthy, nonsexual relationship with a woman in the first place.
First, you mention your work with HRC, then you talk about your rendezvous with Chad on Fire Island, and now, you mention this sham of a marriage. That all leads to one conclusion: This man must at least be bisexual.
6. “I can’t on Wednesday. I have salsa lessons.”
On its own, this one is not necessarily gay. After all, learning salsa would be a great way to pick up women. But given all of the other information he’s told me up until this point, it looks pretty bad for him.
7. “Why do I have such a special connection with you?”
Please keep these thoughts to yourself! It causes warm and fuzzy feelings all over for me.
8. I heard Destiny’s Child might make a comeback. So excited!”
Really, bitch? Really!?
9. “Baking is my zen time.”
I can’t bake cookies without turning them into biscuits or brownies, so the fact that you can do this basically makes you Ted Allen.
10. “Ellen really speaks to me.”
All right, this straight man might be too gay for me.